Solstice
by Silver and Gray
Summary: Gilbert doesn't like the winter. It leaves him feeling depressed more often than not. Austria isn't sure how to, but as their relationship steadily grows, he tries to find a way to reach out to the other, and see into his past, and heals his hidden scars.
1. Chapter 1

**Several reasons on why I wrote this story.**

**I'm listening to an awesome song right now (Insensible by Mandalay. Listen to it.) and there's this **_**amazing**_** picture (**i236(dot)photobucket(dot)com(slash)albums(slash)ff249(slash)All_My_Cookies(slash)1260026519336(dot)jpg**) that I came across. And those two things gave me the idea for this short.**

**My one friend is a big lover of Austria XD And I promised her I'd write a fanfiction that had to do with Gil and Roddy, but because of school being such a communist (lol), I haven't been around lately to type it. So in a way, this is an apology for lateness, and also a promise, because tonight, I'll type that story ;o**

**I write stories for people to enjoy, so I hope you like this short! ^^**

**Note: This story was NOT proof read. If you would like to volunteer and be my beta, be my guest, I need one. BADLY.**

**Enjoy!**

**Winter**

Snow fell silently outside. Even though several hours had passed since the beginning of the storm, many people had difficulty making their way through the snow already. Most citizens from the country of Austria had retreated into their houses with disgruntled looks on their faces, not wanting to be out in the cold any longer, and saying to themselves they would shovel later, once the storm had stopped.

Gilbert sat by the window and leaned over, touching a finger to the ice on the glass and watching with a childlike mystification as the frozen water melted at his physical touch. After the ice melted, and began to flow down the glass as small rivulets of water, he pulled back his finger, and continued to stare out the window. A vast landscape pulled out in front of him, untouched snow sparkling dully as the sun began setting behind the clouds. Though it was barely past five o' clock, the days were continuing to get darker so much sooner, and that only left the grim feeling of depression hanging in the air.

Gilbert turned his head to the right and stared at the many shelves that contained books. A small lamp was lit, creating a warm glow, and the glow didn't seem to reach him. He sighed and slumped back over in the chair he had pulled over in front of the window to observe the snow. Sure, snow was awesome and everything, you had your snowball fights, sled riding, snowman building, and the many many pranks that involved snow, but in the end, snow was cold. It was frigid, causing people to be forced to shut themselves away in their homes, making them feel useless, like they lived in caves. The wind was awful, sometimes blowing so hard in your face, you've never felt such a burning pain like it before, and it was after all, dangerous. Gilbert's expression darkened at the last thought and he crossed his arms in front of himself, as if he were afraid he was going to fall apart. He continued to watch the snow fall, silent and light, with only his thoughts to keep him occupied.

The sound of footsteps above him made Gilbert look up slightly. He heard the person walk down the steps, and then proceed to knock on the door of the study. When Gilbert didn't answer, the door opened slowly, and Roderich looked in.

"Gilbert?"

Gilbert continued staring out the window, but only made a barely audible, "Hmmmm?" sound, as if it were an answer. Roderich took this as an invitation to come in, and quietly shut the door behind him.

"Gilbert?" Roderich tried again, "You haven't moved from that area for almost an hour, are you alright?"

A look of annoyance flashed across Gilbert's eyes. "Of course I'm all right, why wouldn't I be? What made you think of such an idea? That's so stupid, and you're stupid for even asking something like that."

Roderich shook his head with a small sigh. When Gilbert gave such illogical answers, he knew that something was wrong. He had a feeling he knew. Just like an itch that couldn't be reached, Roderich could have sworn he could remember Gilbert telling him why…

But for once, he didn't wasn't too sure he wanted to be right.

Roderich crossed his arms and tilted his head slightly, staring at the other man who was now wrapping a loose string from his shirt so tightly around his finger, it was cutting off the circulation. Gilbert was trying to deliberately avoid Roderich's gaze, and kept staring out the window, at the gray, endless snow.

At first, Roderich hesitated. He wasn't sure how the other would react. He feared he would be pushed away. But then, taking a deep breath, he stepped forward and leaned over, wrapping his arms around Gilbert's neck, and placed his chin on Gilbert's shoulder, staring ahead out the window. He felt Gilbert tense up slightly.

"I'll stay here…with you…" Roderich began hesitantly, still expecting to be shaken off by Gilbert, "I know that you don't like this…kind of thing…" he said, referring to the snow as it fell lightly, almost innocently, "I know you hate it, and you don't have to be alone…"

Roderich looked over at Gilbert from the corner of his eye, and saw that look in his eyes, a look so far away and sad, as if he were remembering something he'd rather forget. The look told Roderich almost everything and made it feel like someone was tugging at his heart with a cold, sharp wire. Here was someone that at the moment so uncharacteristically quiet and solemn, yet he was usually the life of the party, always loud and boisterous, trying to start fights, and being rather crude to just about anything in particular. No one could look at Gilbert and imagine him ever having a bad day, or being mad like any other _normal_ person. But here it was, right in front of Roderich's eyes, and he knew it wasn't a trick. That's how it all began, months ago. Gilbert had been bothering Roderich once again, teasing him about anything he could think about. Roderich could never recall what had happened, but just for a second, not even a second, he looked up into Gilbert's eyes, and saw an emotion flash through his eyes, so quickly, if he had blinked, he would have missed it. Then without thinking, Roderich had opened his mouth.

"_You're scared…aren't you…?"_

Gilbert had stared at him wide eyed, at a loss for words. It was the first time anyone could remember that somebody had rendered the energetic man speechless, and from just that simple line, a difficult, yet amazing love between the two began to unfold.

Being pulled back into the present, Roderich heard Gilbert snort and turn his head away, not pulling from the hold, but instead relaxing into it.

"Whatever…" Gilbert said quietly. They stay that way for a few minutes in absolute silence as they continued to watch the snow, then Gilbert leaned back and gently rested his head against Roderich's, silver hair mixing with brunette. Gilbert closed his eyes and sighed slowly.

"Thank you…"

Gilbert opened his eyes again, and continued to stare out the window at the snow with Roderich, feeling the warmth being radiated from the other, simply by the touch.

**The end? Maybe…I think I left some stuff out. This is probably going to be a multi-chapter story. Oh, hoy!**

**I hope you've enjoyed the story so far! Thank you for reading, and please, review just a little? Construction criticism is more than welcome (:**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey everyone!**

**I was reading some sad stories, so now I'm extremely sobered down. I'll now be sad and feel sorry for myself ):**

**OMG and Roderich's not pregnant, get your minds out of the gutter! :( (You'll understand once you keep reading ^^)**

**Enjoy!**

Roderich groaned quietly and ran a hand through his hair. Again, pain flowed through his empty stomach, the hollowness not contradicting well to the tightening of the muscles. That morning he had woken up to what felt like someone was tying his internal organs together and then pulling with all of their might. For the next half hour, he had moaned and shifted this way and that, trying to get into a more comfortable position that wouldn't disturb his stomach as much, but to no avail. He finally sat up and slowly made his way down the steps to the kitchen. Wincing as his stomach vibrated in pain at each step he made, he walked over to one of the cabinets, opened it and pulled out a bag of coffee grounds. But he closed it as soon as he had opened it, repulsed by the smell and his stomach instantly convulsed. Scrunching up his nose, he quickly put the bag away and just grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and walked into the dining room, sitting down at the table. Once he sat down, he placed his head in his hands. He didn't feel like he had to vomit, but his stomach felt absolutely horrible. Taking a deep breath, he glanced out the window and stared at the white, untouched snow. More snow was falling from the sky, slowly twisting and turning through the air and big clumps of flakes. When he had woken up that morning, he had been alone in his bed, even though Gilbert usually slept with him. Roderich decided to check the guest bedroom and Gilbert wasn't there either. Even after checking everywhere in the house, Roderich assumed that he shouldn't be worried…yet. It was normal for Gilbert to suddenly up and run off somewhere, mostly to blame for his radical behavior. But he couldn't help but worry just a little. Maybe Gilbert was a hopeless idiot, and maybe his obnoxiously loud mouth could be heard from a mile away, but Roderich still couldn't deny that a large part of him loved and worried about the ridiculous man that always claimed he was 'more-awesome-than-anyone-else-that-walked-this-universe'. Roderich was sure Gilbert was probably just walking somewhere, maybe getting groceries or probably going to a store to kill some time…

Roderich's inner thoughts slowly became quieter as another thought occurred to him. It was Sunday. What place was open on Sunday? And because of the rate the snow was falling, tracks made in the snow were likely to be covered up in just a matter of minutes. Roderich visibly paled at the thought.

_One hour…_he thought to himself, trying not to think the worse, trying not to believe that he already knew the answer, _I'll give him one hour…_

Gilbert sat down onto the ground and leaned his back against the base of a tree. Raising his head to the sky, he slowly caught his breath and blinked rapidly as snow fell into his eyes. He hated the snow. He couldn't deny that. It made him so bitter, like he had tasted something that looked sweet, but ended up being sour. But even when he closed his eyes and dreamed, his mind was filled with memories he only wanted to forget. And yet, here it was. Falling onto his face, as cold and real as it was ever going to get. He couldn't escape his own personal hell no matter where he went, but he felt that walking somewhere would be better than nothing. And soon, he was wandering aimlessly through the knee deep snow with no clue of where he was going. And then he was walking through a field that bordered a forest, and as the sounds of civilization slowly became quieter and quieter, he only felt himself becoming more lost in an intense feeling of despair. Lately, he realized he would do things he wasn't too aware of, and it only had just occurred to him then that he hadn't told Roderich where he had gone at such an hour in the morning, and that he had forgotten to wear gloves. Cold, they were so cold without gloves. Quickly, he pulled his hands into his chest and felt as if he had to hold himself together, or else he would freeze and then shatter into a millions pieces like ice. He took in a shuddery breath and looked out across the landscape.

"It was…all my fault, wasn't it?" And buried his head in his hands.

Roderich stared at the clock. It had been almost an hour, and there was still no sign of Gilbert. He didn't want to think it had been just as he had feared. But unfortunately, it was. Ignoring the pain in his stomach, he stood up and grabbed the heaviest coat he had and put it on. He walked out the door and looked both ways on the street. Already, he was unsure of where to look. Roderich tried to remember something about Gilbert that might give him a hint and point him in the right direction. He knew that when he felt overwhelmed, he often…went somewhere quiet…

Roderich turned away from the roads and began walking up toward the more barren landscape. It was a long shot, but at the moment, it was all Roderich had. As he walked, he remembered back before they had dated, something had happened. There had been an incident that occurred between two nations, one of them involving Gilbert. Several days Gilbert had not attended the meetings, and people began to wonder. Even though Gilbert hardly ever showed up to the meetings to pay attention, he always made his presence known by bothering nations that (unfortunately) had to sit near him, or throwing pieces of paper at people, trying to start fights with them, just out of spite. Gilbert's younger brother, Ludwig tried to cover for his brother, telling everyone he was slightly under the weather and that he would be back to the meetings in just a matter of days. When Gilbert had returned, he was back to his normal self. Or at least, that's what most people thought. Ludwig, Roderich, Elizaveta, and several other people that knew who he was saw past his façade and knew that behind all those jokes and pranks, he threw no effort into them, and even when he would smirk, the look didn't meet with his eyes. It had been unnerving, because no one had ever really seen that side of him before. It was on that day that Roderich told Gilbert that he knew he was scared. He remembered asking Ludwig once about what had happened, and Ludwig had guiltily admitted that he couldn't really recall. Another wave of pain flowed through Roderich's stomach and he took a deep breath, trying to ignore it. He looked around at where he had ended up, since he had gotten lost in thought. The sun had risen just a little higher, but it was still early and nobody was outside yet. Roderich still couldn't understand. It was like some crazy mystery he had to solve. What was it about Gilbert that he had such a boisterous attitude, and then he would turn around and everything just made him sad? He was still trying to figure it out, Gilbert had told him close to nothing. And it really wasn't helping that he would suddenly disappear…

Roderich felt a new wave of worry come over him again. He had to find Gilbert, and fast.

Timed passed by slowly for Gilbert as he looked up from his hands back out across the field. Something inside him felt like it was being tugged away, like it was separating from his body. It was like he was losing a part of himself. He knew the feeling.

Guilt.

Closing his eyes, he tried to will away the feeling, tried to forget. Opening his eyes again, he stood up and without much thought, he began walking back out across the field. He couldn't remember which way he had come from, but all he knew was that he wanted to go back. Gilbert had never been to Austria more than a few times, until recently, so it wasn't like he recognized any of the terrain he was on. He was beginning to feel lonely and his mind was just starting to register that he was indefinitely—lost. For some reason, he began to want. He wanted to be back with Roderich, he wanted to be there with him and feel comforted. He didn't want to feel alone anymore. The feeling made his insides hollow and left him with nothing but despair. But the best he could hope for was to wander aimlessly until he found the right path, and hopefully make it home. He wandered for what seemed like years. The snow had slowed to a shallow fall, so his footprints didn't feel in as quickly. That give him a small ounce of hope, that at least he knew where he was going. But he still had what seemed like miles of nothingness ahead of him. It wasn't until minutes—hours, perhaps?—later that he noticed something. A faint, but noticeable trail of footprints, just barely showing as the snow had filled most of it in. Whoever it was, it was a person, and hopefully someone that knew there way out of here. He began to follow the footprints while he aimlessly wondered if he was simply following his own footprints in a circle.

Roderich stopped and leaned against a tree, catching his breath. The physical and mental exhaustion was more than enough, twice he had dry heaved thanks to the fact he had nothing to drink. He throat was dry and it burned, tasting like stomach bile. Anymore and he felt like he was going to collapse. It was then that he heard the sound of branches breaking, the sound of something walking through underbrush, did he look up startled. He didn't know what to expect, he was never completely sure of what lie out there in Austria's wildlife, but all he knew was that he didn't want to encounter it anytime soon. He tensed up and watched as a figure emerged through the brush, not three meters from him. Relief and joy flowed through him as he recognized the shockingly white hair, and the pinkish-red eyes as they turned to look at him in surprise.

"Roderich-"

"Gilbert…" Roderich's voice was barely a hoarse whisper. His throat even hurt to breath. Without thinking, he shakily walked over to Gilbert and grabbed onto his shoulders.

"You idiot!" He scolded fiercely and glared at him, "How stupid are you?! What makes you think you can just go out and take a walk in the woods on a day like today with weather like this?! What do you think you're that awesome that you won't just _die_ out here?!"

Gilbert winced; he wasn't used to that many people chiding him aside from his brother, who did it all the time. He opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off when Roderich's head suddenly came down onto his chest. His eyes widened in surprise.

"H-hey, are you alrigh-"

"I was so worried…" Roderich murmured and his breath hissed as he exhaled between his teeth, a new wave of pain flowing through his stomach. "Don't ever…_ever_ do that again…"

Gilbert felt himself suddenly become uneasy. "Roddy, are you alright?" he asked again, and reached down to tilt Roderich face up with his hand, "You're so pale. You _really_ don't look alright."

Roderich looked away and shook his head, "Maybe I would feel a little better if I wouldn't have had to go and look for you…" he remarked coldly.

Gilbert winced and felt the intense feeling of guilt all over again. Without really thinking, he reached up and began brushing some of the snow off of the top of Roderich's head. Roderich gave him an odd look until he noticed Gilbert wasn't wearing any gloves.

"Hey, why didn't you wear any gloves?" He asked now concerned as he grabbed Gilbert's hands and looked at them. They were a deep red, and look as it they had gone numb.

Gilbert looked away with a sheepish expression and shrugged, "I wasn't thinking…I just kind of left…"

Roderich fixed him with a skeptical glare then took off his own gloves and handed them to Gilbert. "Put those on, you need them more than I do." He silenced Gilbert with a hard stare as he opened his mouth to protest, then closed it again and silently took the gloves. As Gilbert slipped them on, Roderich stared at him, a million questions running through his head.

"Why…why did you do that? What were you thinking?" It was then that he saw that same, scared look on Gilbert's face. Gilbert turned away and stared at the ground, refusing to make eye contact. Roderich felt himself growl quietly. Of all the times that Gilbert would _never_ be quiet, and now he needed some answers and the guy was like a mute.

"Gilbert, plea-" He took in a shuddery breath and placed a hand onto his stomach. When he exhaled, he couldn't hold back a small groan of pain, and Gilbert turned back to him. When Gilbert looked at him with a worried expression on his face turned into one of fear.

"Roderich…you're bleeding…" Roderich only had time to lift his hand and see the dark outline on his clothing before he dropped down to his knees.

"Roderich, NO!" But it was already too late and he felt the soft cushion of snow come up and meet his face. And then—

Nothing.

…**final chapter will be posted in a few days. I'll need to catch a plot bunny and ask it how I'm going to finish off this story. I mean, I **_**know**_** how it's going to end, but I need to put it together, and **_**that's**_** the hard part. **

**I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. Please read and review! **


	3. Chapter 3

**Things Sil did today:**

**Stayed up all night**

**Woke up at 10 a.m.**

**Typed this chapter**

**Knowing that for the first time in 5 months she doesn't have to worry about any 400 point projects, and she didn't have to do anything over the weekends.**

**Best. Goddamn feeling. EVER.**

**Enjoy.**

Roderich didn't know how long he had been passed out. Lost in his subconscious mind, he found himself oddly thinking about nothing other than how hard he had hit his head. It throbbed a little. Did he have a concussion? Was he in a coma? Probably not, he though to himself as he felt someone gently run a hand through his hair. The feeling slowly brought him back and he opened his eyes slightly.

Roderich searched with his eyes until he saw Gilbert sitting crossed legged on the ground next to him. He blinked slowly.

"Gilbert…?" his voice was hoarse as if he hadn't used it in a long time.

Gilbert's head shot up and he looked at Roderich, relief in his eyes.

"You're awake…"

Roderich lifted his hand and groaned as a small wave of pain flowed through his head.

"Be careful, try not to move so much." Gilbert murmured calmly. Roderich groaned again and looked over at Gilbert.

"What happened…?" he asked and tried to clear his throat, it was so dry. Gilbert watched him for a moment with an unreadable expression on his face.

"You passed out." He remarked as he watched Roderich grit his teeth from another wave of pain, "There were three avalanches in the last hour. I just heard it on the radio. And it looks like the painkillers aren't really doing their job…"

Roderich felt the root of the pain, and gingerly placed a hand on his stomach and felt underneath his clothing, the soft padding of bandages. Of course an avalanche. Tons of falling snow destroying landscapes and buildings…Roderich had a feeling he was better off knowing what the wound looked like. Surprisingly, natural disasters caused some of the nastiest looking scars, worse than those caused by the war.

"…where?" he asked quietly, feeling himself starting to become nervous, fearing that he was going to be told it had hit one of his major cities.

Gilbert shrugged. "It was more of just out on the countryside, in the middle of nowhere. Basically, they sent out the bulletin so that no one would go out hiking that way or whatever.

"Oh…" Roderich sighed and sunk back into the pillows around his head and closed his eyes.

There was silence aside from the sound of Gilbert shifting and then quietly, "Are you okay?"

Roderich's eyes twitched slightly at the corners as his stomach ripple pathetically, a likely sign that the earlier cataropshie was dying down

"Yeah…yeah, I'm fine…" when silence met his answer, Roderich turned his head and looked at Gilbert.

"You're being so quiet. Where's the Gilbert that always boasts around being so awesome?" He asked, in the most teasing like manner he could manage, trying to lighten the mood.

Gilbert stared at him a moment before dropping his gaze to the floor.

"I was scared…" he murmured out, his voice barely inaudible. But Roderich heard it. His eyes widened as he stared at Gilbert. To say he was shocked was an understatement. Gilbert was one that many had tried and failed to pry into his true emotions, and it was always seemed like there was a wall put up between himself and the other people around him. He wouldn't let anyone see into his mind, and only let you see what he wanted you to see, such as a ranting of why he was so awesome and you were not. He may seem like he was a boisterous pain-in-the-ass, but once you looked hard enough, you knew it was all just a cover-up. It showed in his eyes that there was something else, something of a much deeper meaning held behind all the actions and words.

Gilbert suddenly laid his head down on the couch next to Roderich's arm, he stiffened up in surprise.

"Gilbert…?" Roderich asked in a slightly worried tone. This _really_ wasn't who Gilbert was.

"I'm fine." Gilbert murmured, his eyes closed. "I'm just relieved…let me just stay here for a while…"

Roderich stared at Gilbert then slowly relaxed, laying his head back down onto the pillows. Gilbert's hair was brushing lightly against his arm and he reached out and began running his fingers through the silver strands. After a few minutes, Roderich pulled his hand away.

"Why did you do it?"

Gilbert knew he was talking about earlier when he had been in the woods. He opened his eyes and looked at him. Staring back, Roderich saw the face of a very sad, guilty looking person that appeared to have aged twenty years right before his eyes.

Gilbert looked away. "Do you really want to know?" he asked, his voice quivering slightly.

Roderich took a moment to think of how to say his answer before he responded, "I think I deserve to know." He said quietly, "…you _scared_ me back there."

Gilbert bit his lip and didn't say anything.

"Gilbert…?"

"You…you have to know…that, that what happened…I never meant for it to go wrong…but I…it was all my fault…I knew it was so foolish, but…but I thought that everything would be alright…I'm such a fool…" Gilbert looked back at Roderich, bags under his eyes, hair slightly disheveled, eyes shining brightly with desperation. "I…I didn't mean to kill him…"

Roderich's insides turned slightly. His eyes widened and he propped himself up onto his elbows before he could think of the pain it would cause.

"Kill…Gilbert, who?" he asked, and edge to his voice now.

But Gilbert only glanced at him, barely registering that he was there. He seemed lost in his own world. Like he was holding onto the fine string that separated him from reality. He'd looked so fragile, as if he could hardly hold himself together as he opened his mouth and began to tell his story.

**Alright guise. Nest chapter will be the last. No lies ;o I may re-edit this…again, but right now, I just want to get it on the website before 7 o'clock xD**

**Story behind the avalanches: **_Tuesday, 28 December, 1999 -** "**Weather officials have warned tourists against hiking in the mountains because of the greatly increased avalanche risk._

_Austria was blanketed by over 40cm (15 ins) of snow on Tuesday as the weather front which has caused havoc in western Europe moves east._

_Since 1998 Austria has recorded 56 avalanches which have killed nearly 50 people and injured about 70. "_

**I knew that avalanches have occurred in Austria before (I was looking up a cause for how I could explain Roderich's stomach pains) and I was surprised how similar the chapter was compared to the news report. I just made it up as I went, and **_**then**_** looked it up on the news XD**

**You can read the full story here: **http(colon)(slash)(slash)news(dot)bbc(dot)co(dot)uk(slash)2(slash)hi(slash)europe(slash)693550(dot)stm


	4. Chapter 4

**If I could be paid to explain how tired I was, I'd be richer than Bill Gates by now.**

**I wrote this chapter for YOU! ): **

At first, Gilbert's explanation was slow and hesitant. He kept looking at Roderich as if he was suddenly going to accuse him of being a killer. But then, eventually his voice evened out, aside from the occasional stutter, and he began to tell Roderich everything.

"It was last winter, Antonio and I got invited by Francis up to his cousin's house that lived in Canada."

Roderich raised his head. "That sounds familiar. Isn't his name…Mathieu, or something?"

"It's Matthew." Gilbert corrected, a slightly pained look on his face, "Only Francis called him that." Gilbert took a deep breath and was silent for a few seconds. Roderich watched as he bit his lip, then covered his mouth with his hand.

"Gilbert?"

"I'm fine." Gilbert said, his voice shaking slightly. "He…Francis took us out to the mountains to go skiing and stuff… and because Matthew and I had been there before, we knew our way around a little and decided to go off on our own…we had been dating for several months and…"

Roderich's eyes widened in surprise. Despite Gilbert's constant habit of usually never keeping his mouth closed, no one had known that the two were dating. There had been rumors, sure, but no one truly believed that Gilbert was ever really capable of holding a steady relationship. Gilbert continued, his face contorting as if he were in pain. _And maybe he was_ Roderich thought with a sudden jolt of surprise as he listened…

_Matthew finished buckling the top part of his snow boots and looked up at Gilbert, failing to keep the smile out of his face._

"_You're such an idiot." He said while he watched Gilbert swing a ski pole back and forth acting like it was a sword._

_Gilbert smirked, "Admit it; you think my ninja skills are sexy."_

"_Mm-hmm…"Matthew hummed as he rolled his eyes, walking toward Gilbert, "Just as much as that huge ego of yours.'_

"_Hey, there's enough to go around." Gilbert responded as he placed the ski pole again the wall._

_Matthew's lips turned up at the corners and he wrapped his arms around Gilbert's waist, sliding his hands under the coat, feeling the soft fabric of the undershirt._

"_I'm sure everyone out there is just dying to have a little bit of your ego, because they're lost and unsure of what to do in the world without one."_

_Gilbert reached his hands around and took Matthew's own by the wrists and brought them into the front holding them close to his chest. "Someone looks cute with those goggles."_

_Matthew stuck his tongue out at him. "You're just jealous they're mine, and not yours."_

"_Sure…" Gilbert said and leaned in toward Matthew, "but they'll be mine soon enough."_

"_You'll have to catch me first." And Matthew quickly leaned in and kissed Gilbert on the lips before pulling away just as fast before Gilbert could react back. He practically leaped toward the door, despite the weight all the snow gear must have been and opened it, snowboard in hand, welcoming the sudden cold rush of air._

"_Come on, I'm not going to wait for your awesome." Matthew said jokingly and Gilbert made a face at him. At times, Matthew had become quite a mouthy person and Gilbert had to remind himself that he was most likely the one to blame. After all, he had never been like that until he had met Gilbert. He reached for his own snowboard and shot after Matthew, closing the door behind them._

_The first five minutes outside consisted of Gilbert trying to steal Matthew's snowboard, while Matthew used it as a shield against the onslaught of slushballs that were being thrown at him. Eventually they both calmed down and resorted to holding each other's hands as they trudged through the snow._

"_Where do you think everyone else went?" Gilbert asked, his snowboard bumping rhythmically against his hip in his other arm._

"_Francis told me he was taking them on the S trail, which is a simpler trail…more for beginners."_

"_Oh. Yeah, that makes sense, I guess." Antonio, Alfred, and Arthur (the last two both decided to come at last minute, when they had declined Matthew's invitation at first.) "But I'm still having a hard time believing that Francis knew how to snowboard. I always imagined him coming to Canada to, I don't know, help you do your hair or something."_

_Matthew choked back a laugh, while at the same time he punched Gilbert in the arm, though it probably didn't have much of an effect, considering how thick the coat was, "I'm not a girl!" _

_Gilbert grinned, "Could've fooled me."_

_Matthew swung his snowboard at him and Gilbert threw his hands up to block the onslaught. When Matthew finished his attempts at maiming him, Gilbert lowered his hands, his face red from laughing so much._

"_Why are you so _mean?_" Matthew huffed, an incredulous half-smile on his face. Gilbert grabbed his arm, and pulled him close._

"_Come on, you know I'm only joking." Gilbert whispered, a smile on his face._

_Matthew pouted and lightly punched his chest. "Could've fooled me." But then he looked up, a small smile across his face. Gilbert returned the smile slightly before raising his head to look at something and point, "D'you think we should do that trail?"_

_Matthew followed his gaze and paled slightly. Gilbert was pointing toward a trail on the other side of the valley that was roped off with red tape. Matthew wasn't sure why the trail wasn't open to the public, but he had a pretty good idea that it screamed, 'STAY AWAY.'_

"_Of course you would want to go on that trail." Matthew said as if he were out of breath. When Gilbert began walking toward the trail, Matthew's hand shot out and he pulled him to a stop, "Gilbert, wait."_

_Gilbert turned around and smiled at Matthew. That charming smile. "Come on Mattie, it'll be fine."_

_Matthew hesitated, the feeling at the base of his stomach not going away. Seeing the look of unmasked excitement on Gilbert's face, he sighed._

"_Fine. But if the trail looks too dangerous, promise me we'll go on a different one?"_

_Gilbert nodded and laced his hand around Matthew's again. "Don't worry, I'm too awesome for anything to go wrong around me." Matthew walked after him, hoping it was true. As they neared the trail, Matthew was surprised to see that it contained, well, nothing out of the ordinary. It looked like any of the other trails on the ski resort._

"_See? There's nothing wrong with it." Gilbert said as he leaned over and began strapping his boots onto the snowboard. Matthew still held back though, looking at the red tape blocking the entrance to the trail (they had crawled under it, of course) and then at the trail itself in confusion. Why had they blocked off this trail if there was nothing wrong with it?_

"_I don't know Gilbert…" Matthew began hesitantly, "there's still something weird about it. I have a bad feeling…"_

_Gilbert stood up and looked out over the trail. "It looks completely fine. You're only making yourself more nervous."_

"_But-" Gilbert leaned in and kissed Matthew quickly on the lips. "Come on. Try and catch me." And with one final grin, Gilbert shot off down the hill._

"_H-hey!" Matthew gasped out feeling rushed. He hadn't even been given time to put on the snowboard, and hastily he leaned over and began buckling it into place. By the time he was ready, Gilbert was halfway down the hill, nearing the turn and Matthew shot off after him. The feeling of the freezing wind coursing through his hair and into his eyes causing them to water gave him a feeling of being more alive than ever. Even though Gilbert could snowboard quite fluidly, Matthew had known how to longer. Crouching down on the broad to give it less air resistance, the speed nearly doubled and he began to get closer and closer to Gilbert. He saw Gilbert round the corner and disappear from site, and by then Matthew was nearly fifteen feet behind him. He turned flying speeds, snow spraying in large waves as he hugged the corner. What happened next felt like it was in slow motion. He made it around the bend and saw Gilbert, standing just slightly off the trail and he was standing up as he had fallen over. He looked over at Matthew and feeling the adrenaline pumping through him, he was seized with the sudden urge to shout something at Gilbert. He raised his hands and opened his mouth, but before he could say anything, their eyes met, and he saw Gilbert's, wide with fear. Matthew felt himself frown in confusion. Since when was Gilbert afraid of anything? Just as Gilbert opened his mouth and shouted something to Matthew that he couldn't hear because of the wind rushing past his ears. He turned back to the trail and his eyes widened in realization, the last thing running through his mind was an oddly calming voice saying, "So that's why they had the trail blocked off."_

_Matthew tried to throw his hands up to shield his face, but it was too late. He collided full force against the fallen tree on the trail. _

_Gilbert watched horrified as the impact actually caused Matthew to be thrown at least ten feet into the air, and then deposited back to the ground, limbs twisting like an abused ragdoll. When the crash was over, there was only silence except for Gilbert's panicked breathing, and a sound like ringing in his ears. 'N-no…' Stumbling forward, Gilbert tripped slightly down to his knees and crawled the rest of the way toward Matthew's body. Reaching out a hand, he gripped Matthew's shoulder and turned him over. Two thin lines of blood flowed down Matthew's face and his head rolled uselessly against Gilbert's arm as if it were broken. Gilbert's breathing was rapid as he shakily brushed the hair damp from blood away from Matthew's face, desperately repeating one word over and over again in a frantic whisper._

"_No, no, no, no, no, no, no…"_

There was a stunned silence. Gilbert's eyes were full of guilt and a kind of hollow emptiness. Roderich felt like he couldn't breathe. But without thinking, he reached his arm out and lightly took Gilbert's hand in his own.

"Gilbert…"

"I…I don't really know what happened after that…" Gilbert continued, his voice thick as if he were holding back on something, "I…I carried Matthew's body back…and…and they told me that…he had broken his neck…that it was instant…he didn't suffer…"

And then a sound ripped through the room, startling Roderich until he realized what it was. A choked sob escaped Gilbert's throat and his hand tightened around Roderich's in a vice-like grip.

"They…they told me they couldn't…they couldn't get me to let go of his body…that I was holding onto it so tightly…but I kept telling myself that he was too young…his body looked so small…"

A tear escaped Gilbert's eye and slowly crawled down his face, until it broke off and landed onto Roderich and Gilbert's hands with a small splash.

Roderich felt choked up also, finding it difficult to talk, "Gilbert..."

Gilbert closed his eyes tightly, another sob raking through his breathing, causing it to become unsteady.

"I'm so sorry Mattie…Oh my God, I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry…It's all my fault…"

…**I'm such a liar. This isn't the end. An 'epilogue' will be posted in…whenever I can get it up.**

**Thank you everyone that has read this story so far! I am so happy that you've all liked it.**

**And I'm sorry if you don't like PruCan. ;A; **

**When authors say 'Read and Review' by all means, we're serious. Please, if you've read this story and liked it or hated it, please as least review and tell me how it was. I welcome constructive criticism, and I also want feedback to see if the majority liked/hated my story. It all helps with the process, so that I know if a certain amount of people liked this or that, it gives insight to what many of the people on the site like to read. ~ So please, just take your time to even write out a sentence if that's all you can fit, I'd appreciate it greatly! **

**Note: I haven't looked over this chapter, so there may be some typos. Please inform me if you find any!**

**Thank you!**


	5. 11 months later

**Enjoy the epilogue of this epic!fail! **

Roderich stood in front of a grave, his head bowed. He was wearing his best suit, the satin tie blowing in the wind. He hadn't spoken yet; there was nothing he could think of saying. The tug at his heart reminded him though. This boy had more to do with him than he had expected. He would never admit it to anyone, not ever Gilbert, but he felt slightly envious. He sighed and pushed the hair out of his eyes. It was childish, it was something he was ashamed of, yet he couldn't stop that small piece of jealously that sat heavy on his chest—not too heavy, but just enough that he felt it. Here was someone he never met before, aside from seeing him at the meetings and he was jealous. This was someone that Gilbert had loved before him, here was someone that Gilbert had touched, held hands, and joked with…

Roderich swallowed heavily, the clouds overhead becoming darker. If he had been the one to—Roderich couldn't bring himself to think it— would Matthew have been jealous with him. Would he have stood here just like Roderich, looked down at the cold stone grave and feel jealous?

And was that wrong?

It was such a selfish feeling, but at the same time, he wanted to reach out toward the boy and ask him, '_What would he have done? How would he have felt?'_

Roderich opened his mouth.

"You…I never got to meet you…but I've heard so much about you…from Gilbert." After a pause, he added, "He loves you. He still does too…I'm…jealous." Roderich screwed up his face like it was hard to chew the words, "I…you were probably…so much better for him than I ever will be. I…when he gets sad…when he gets angry, I sometimes never know the right words to say…" Roderich leaned his weight onto his left foot and sighed. Looking up at the sky, wind blowing his hair away from his face.

"But…" he said, his voice quiet, "You…would you hate me if I loved Gilbert too?" He looked back down at the grave and closed his eyes, smiling sadly, "You must have been such an amazing person…I also envy you for another reason…" he paused, "You are what I can…could never be. If I could…if I could just be selfish for one more time…let me love Gilbert…at least try to love him like I'm sure you did…and still do. I promise that I'd never do anything to harm him…If I disagree with him, we may sometimes fight…but I'll try my hardest…"

"What are you talking about?"

Roderich turned toward Gilbert as he walked over to him. He was dressed in a black suit, his tie once crooked, now corrected when Roderich re-tied it for him. He smiled slightly and tried to look casual.

"Nothing, I was just thinking out loud."

"Lair." Gilbert said without missing a beat. He walked up to Roderich and stood beside him, looking down at the grave.

Roderich looked at him wordlessly, but Gilbert continued to stare fixated at the grave, his face expressionless.

"Hey Mattie." Gilbert finally said and crouched down in front of the grave, running a hand over his name, "How are ya doing?"

Roderich watched as Gilbert continued the one-way conversation until he stopped, sat up and held his hand out to him. Not needing any words, Roderich gently reached out and encircled their hands together. Gilbert's hand felt several degrees cooler, but it still felt nice.

"Do you think he's happy?"

Gilbert looked over at him. There was a silence between the two of them. Roderich was beginning to think that maybe he had asked the wrong thing until Gilbert opened his mouth.

"I think that wherever he is, he's having one hell of a party."

Gilbert noted Roderich's confused look and he reworded himself slightly, "I mean, sure his body's here, but he's not…_there_. You know?"

Roderich nodded and both stared back down at the grave. After a few moments of silence, Gilbert squeezed Roderich's hand slightly and turned to him.

"You ready to go?"

Roderich was surprised. Of all the times—especially the first—Roderich had waited hours and would eventually have to pull Gilbert away, the guilt was almost overbearing for Roderich. And now it was Roderich being the one hesitant to pull away.

"Uh…sure…" Roderich said and glanced sideways toward the graves in which flowers, cards, and even a few stuffed Polar bears (one of three being from Gilbert, telling Roderich his name was Kumajiro) decorated the grave.

Gilbert nodded and kneeled down beside the grave again, this time placing an object down in the grass.

"I have to go now…and I want you to know Mattie…that I still love you…and you'll always be here in my heart, but I…I love Roderich. And I want to spend the rest of my life with him…" Gilbert stood up and held Roderich's hand out thrusting it in front of the grave. "Please, at least give me your blessing, Mattie. It would mean so much to me…"

Roderich stared at Gilbert wide-eyed, too lost for words. He knew that what Gilbert was saying right then probably took so much willpower.

"He's a really great person, Mattie. Sure, he's a bit annoying and complains too much sometimes (_Hypocrite_ Roderich hissed in his mind) but he's been there for me, and helped me to realize so much about myself…and he's never selfish (_Liar_ Roderich groaned in his mind) and it's just that…he's as special to me…as you were…can you forgive me, Matthew? For all that I've done…?" at the end, Gilbert choked up slightly. It was still hard after all this time.

Roderich lowered his eyes, and saw that the object in the grass was a small lollipop in the shape of a maple leaf. Was it maple flavored too? Roderich squinted. It was.

When Roderich realized there was a silence in the air, he looked at Gilbert. After a moment, Gilbert raised his head and smiled slightly at Roderich. The pain was still there, but he was slowly trying to overcome it. Roderich returned the smile and squeezed his hand. Quietly, they both turned away from the grave and began walking out of the yard, their hands still linking them together. Neither of them said a word. They had nothing to say.

What must Gilbert be thinking? Did he feel overcome with guilt? No matter how many times Gilbert had been told, it wasn't his fault, it was just an accident, Gilbert looked like he himself wanted to believe it. Even after all this time, when they were sure they could accept it by now. But they had to keep telling themselves that even though he couldn't erase the past, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't go back and prevent whatever happened to stop.

The only thing that you can do is to just

keep

moving

forward.

Roderich suddenly felt something land on his nose. He looked up toward the sky and saw little puffs of white slowly fall to the ground.

"Hey…" He said in a sort of childlike mystification, "Hey, it's snowing…"

Gilbert looked up at the sky.

"Yeah…yeah, it's beautiful."

Then he closed his eyes and smiled.

It was as they were leaving that they didn't see the slightly transparent figure sitting on top of the grave, watching them live with a smile on his delicate face, his golden blonde hair curling around his face, his body wrapped in the baggy red hoodie that he always wore. He brought the stuffed bear closer to his chest that Gilbert had left at the grave.

"Be happy, Gilbert. Be happy, be happy…" the boy said, his voice barely above a whisper. And then he was gone, as if he were never there to begin with.

**If you're lost on the whole 'OMG it's snowing and then Gilbert smiles' whole thing, it's supposed to show that he's starting to accept and move on. That the snow, though may bring back some memories he's not too fond of, he's starting to see that it's not something that should hold him back forever.**

**UGH.**

**I'm sorry guiiiseeee! You probably expected a better ending…don't expect anything from me…I fail. I so fail. FailfailfailfailFAIL.**

**I'm going to rewrite this story ;o It'll be better. Like Unicorns, but with wings.**

**Oh yeah, annnnd. If you guys caught the lil' quote thingie that Matthew says at the end, it's from the movie 'Tekkonkinkreet'. Yeah…go watch it…I guess…LAWL.**

**THANK YOU ALL FOR READING! I'M SO HAPPEEEHHHH! ;A;**


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